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The following descriptions are just some of the warning signs of an abusive or potentially abusive partner. It is not an exhaustive or definitive list. It's important to be aware that these behaviors serve the abuser in her quest for power and control. It is also important to realize that someone who is abusive is making the choice to use abusive, manipulative, or controlling behaviors. If you are either getting involved with someone or are already involved and you recognize some of these signs, reach out for information and support.

Quick Involvement

Many survivors dated or knew the person who abused them for less than six months before they started living together. She often comes on like a whirlwind, claiming love at first sight. She may say flattering things such as, "You're the only person I could ever talk to," or, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." She may hook you into the relationship by being needy, sick, or lonely, or pressure you to commit to her early on.

Jealousy

At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will often say that her jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it's a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. She may question you about who you talk to, accuse you of flirting or affairs, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends or children. As the jealousy progresses, she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. She may progress to such behaviors such as checking your car mileage or asking friends to watch you.

Controlling Behavior

At first, she may say that this behavior is because she is concerned for your safety, wants you to use your time well, or wants you to make good decisions. She may be angry if you are "late" coming back from the store or an appointment; she may question you closely about where you went and who you talked to. As the behavior gets worse, she may not let you make decisions about the house, your clothing, and where you're going. She may even make you ask permission to leave the room or the house.

Unrealistic Expectations

She may be very dependent on you for all her needs; she expects you to be the perfect partner, lover, and friend. She may say things like... "If you really loved me, you would...," or "All we need is each other." She may act as if you are responsible to take care of all her emotional needs.

Isolation

She may prevent you from accessing your support system by finding fault with all of your friends and family, or by becoming angry, needy, or sick when you want to have plans with someone else. She may accuse people who are supportive of causing trouble. She may want to live in the country without a phone, she may try to prevent you from having or using a car, or she may try to prevent you from going to meetings, school, or other events that involve other people and not her.

Blames Others for Her Problems

She may make mistakes and then blame you or others for upsetting her, keeping her from concentrating, or making her unable to do her job. She may be hesitant to take responsibility for her own behaviors. If she is chronically unemployed, she may say that someone is always doing her wrong or someone is always out to get her. If you have children, they may be the focus of her blame for everything that's wrong with your relationship. She may tell you that you are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

Blames Others for Her Feelings

She may tell you, "You make me mad," "You're hurting me by not doing what I ask," or "I can't help being angry." Rather than taking responsibility for her own feelings, she may tell you that you are the cause of her depression, anger, or hurt. Conversely, she may claim that you are responsible for her happiness, telling you that how she feels is dependent on you.

Public Display of Anger or Violence

She may have previously verbally or physically abused a partner or other people in a public place. She may target you with verbal and/or physical violence in a public area or in front of other people, making mean or sarcastic remarks, or humiliating you. She may blame this on you or on the fact that she was drunk or high.

Coercive Sex

She may pressure you to have sex, and may use sulking, nagging or anger to manipulate you into compliance. She may disregard or "forget" negotiated boundaries. She may start having sex with you while you are sleeping, or demand sex when you are ill or tired, or after a fight when you do not want it.

Verbal Abuse

The abuser may frequently say things that are cruel and hurtful, or that are degrading to you. She may curse you or put you down, or belittle your accomplishments. She may tell you that you are stupid and unable to function without her. She may wake you or prevent you from sleeping so she can verbally abuse you.

Dr. Jekyll & Ms. Hyde

You may feel confused by your partner's sudden changes in mood. It may seem as if everything is fine one minute and the next minute she explodes, or one minute she's happy and the next she's sad. These behaviors may serve to keep you "walking on eggshells," unsure what to expect next.

Guns, Knives, Other Weapons

She may keep guns or other weapons, or let you know she has them and knows how to use them. She may threaten to injure you or others with weapons.